Notsoskinny's Offical Blog: Homer Simpson

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Homer Simpson

One of my most loved role models in life has to be a fat little fella called Homer J Simpson (J stands for J Durrr), and so here i've put down some of the big fellas best loved quotes.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Homer no function beer well without.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.

Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!

and finally

'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?

Why Jesus was an Aussie

# He wore thongs.

# Jesus was a chippy, who like all good union members didn't work on sundays mate.

# His favourite past times were fishing, camping, going 4-wheel donkeying and most of his mates were fishermen.

# He was a ripper surfer as it was like he could walk on water.

# He did a mean BBQ crikey 5000 people rock up, no wuckers throw a few fresh caught fish on the barbie, some buns and a bit of mum's potato salad ( fairdinkum it's in the Gospel of Thomas, trust me) and Bob's your uncle.

# No one is exactly sure where he was earning his quid from but he had a mate in the Tax office so it was all sweet.

# And to top it all off, he turned water into alcohol and if that isn't an Australian miracle I don't know what is!

What Aussies understand

# You know the meaning of the word 'girt'

# You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again

# You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite

# You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

# When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

# You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

# You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

# You still think of Kylie as 'that sheilah off Neighbours'

Beaut 12th man quotes mate!

Tony Greig: "The Australians are looking very sharp in there Canary Yellow"
Bill Lawry: "Canary Yellow! That's Australian Gold my friend and don't you f#@*ing forget it! Canary Yellow indeed..."

Richie Benaud:"Rubish Binny was left out, but, no one collected him".

Bill Lawery: "Gottim! Yes! You're out! That f#%ked his average, tony!"

Bill Lawery: "Grahemy Labrooy? his names Graeme Max..."
Max Walker:"Yes, well all his team mates have such long and complicated names. Seems a shame for this young man to miss out. I think i'll just go on calling him Grahemy".
Bill Lawery:"Jeez you're f#@ked in the head sometimes Max".

Richie Benaud:"Imran Khan was left out of this Pakistan side, as his name was just a little bit to hard to take the piss out of".

Bill Lawery:"I dunno, seems like there's something wrong with Muhanoma Rod?"
Tony Greig:"Aaaa i don't think so Bill, seems like a pretty appropriate place for it".

Famous Quotes

"My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section"
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

About aussie blokes

# There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

# Whether it’s the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery,there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

# If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he’s probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

# On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

# Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

# It is proper to refer to your best friend as “a total bastard”. By contrast, your worst enemy is “a bit of a bastard”.

# Historians believe the widespread use of the word “mate” can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or “mateship”. Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

# The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

# If it can’t be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it’s not worth fixing.

# Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don’t sit. That’s what backyards are for.

# On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

Rick 'THE LEGEND' Disnick

“Rick, thanks for talking to us on the Wired World of Sports. Mate, you really ploughed into that vaulting horse #@?ken’ hard. Can I start by asking you, how badly were you hurt?”

“eeeeeeegh (long inspiratory wheeze). Well Darrell, I crushed my larynx,”

“right”

“I broke my jaw, and all of my ribs.”

‘”right, yeah”

“both of my lungs were punctured,”

“ha ha, yeah”

“eeeeeeegh, I ruptured my spleen”

“Gee”

“and……. I also suffered some minor bruising to my body.”

“Rick, what actually went wrong with your run up to the vault, did one of your sandshoe’s blowout as many people believe, or did you just @#?k up?”

“eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeegh. No Darrell. I just @#?ked up.”

“Mate, you’ve got to admit you did look like a bit of an idiot that day. Did you feel pretty stupid when it happened?”

“eeeeeeeeegh. No I didn’t feel anything, Darrell. And I haven’t been able to feel anything since.”